God bless you kind sir....

Today marks the 100th anniversary of the death of Sir Thomas Crapper, a humble plumber who revolutionised the #1 tool in the #2 business, and without which our lives would be much less comfortable.

We salute you sir.

shite..

So I've got to do some updating to do here, it turns out I now have waaaaayy more drafts than completed posts sitting on my blog, plus I just realised I've got a few that've been published that seem to cut off midway. Apparently I've the attention span of a 2 year old.

The smartest dog

A structural engineer, an architect and a general contractor are all standing around arguing who has the smartest dog.

The architect says "Watch this. autoCAD, come here!" And his dog trotted over to the drawing table where he got some paper and drew a square, a circle, and a triangle, with no sweat.

The engineer then said "Oh yeah? Watch this, Structure, come!" and his dog walked over to a pile of sticks and reassembled them as a perfectly scaled replica of the Golden Gate Bridge.

The general contractor laughed at this and says, "Big freakin' deal. Backhoe, come!" And with that, the general contractor's dog shat on the paper, knocked down the bridge, screwed the other two dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance for unsafe working conditions, applied for workman's comp and then clocked out early on sick leave.

I see what you did there

10 Signs That You Might Be An Idiot

1. You type ‘there’ when you mean ‘their’.
2. You press the already lit elevator button.
3. You get two pizzas, both half cheese and half pepperoni.
4. You get confused by the Starbucks cup sizes.
5. You think that cats are smart because they are aloof.
6. You are a self-professed vegetarian who eats fish.
7. You have a nervous breakdown when asked to not use the word ‘like’ so often.
8. You send out your resume on cute stationery.
9. You think you are saving money by buying things you don’t need during a sale.
10. You blame all your failures on anyone but yourself.

Brought to you by the kind folks over at the sarcasm society who'd just love to hear what you think about them

This week's Bajanism - Mahogany bird

Pronunciation: \mə-ˈhä-gə-nē ˈbərd\

Function : noun

Etymology: Caribbean: Barbados

Definition:

1. A small omnivorous scavenger, the mahogany bird measures around 1-1.5 inches and can be coloured anywhere from light brown to almost black. This insect does indeed possess wings, but, he lacks the ability for sustained flight, and so, must be content with short hops from windows to most notably your girlfriend’s hair. Thus scaring her sh!tless. The mahogany bird is predominantly nocturnal, but has been known to be seen soxing around your ill-kept garbage cans in the day as well. (see photo below)

BOO!

The rocketman cometh

Forget me trying to raise $200,000 USD for a mere one off ride in a spyplane, the NY times has said here that for the bargain basement price of $30 mill. USD I (or you too) can have my(or your) VERY OWN F-ING SPACESHUTTLE!! yes, I said spaceshuttle. But wait! It gets better!!.To further sweeten the deal NASA's procurement dept has seen fit to throw in the main engines for free!! -let's see here thats 4 times 800K, divide by the sqaure root of 4, carry the 2, long divide by 47.32 multiply by the circumference of the planet, hmmmmm.....- An estimated $3.2 million dollar saving!! what a bargain!

In order for me to achieve my pipe dream goal of purchasing one of these babies, I shall henceforth be setting up a fund for suckers interested investors who may contact me via the comments section of this blog for further details.

As the deadline for tenderers to express an interest in purchase is February the 19th, I shall also be selling the title deed to that bridge I own in town, which happens to be priced for a quick sale at the giveaway price of $28.8 million USD. Interested buyers may also contact me via this blog.

*UPDATE*

Dear dummypotential investor,

It has come to our attention that should we be able to purchase said spaceshuttle that we may become eligible for the Google Xprize, our R&D department here at the house of T have been working feverishly on final design specifications and after minutes of intense development we have come up with what we believe to be a guaranteed winner, (photo below) we are entirely confident that this winning design will secure a return on your investment within 1 year thus enabling you to rest easy, knowing your money is safe with us.

Damned tourists

Me: Jesus, the riptide real strong today, I feel like somebody pulling my feet.

bodyboarder#2: man yeh, but it was sweet out all yesterday further down by the boardwalk.

Me: really? I got here late in the evening, so I missed most of it


sure enough 30 minutes later;

Voice: Oi! mate!! help!

Me: wtf?

- Looks back to see two tourists getting dragged out to sea -

bodyboarder #2: are they serious?

Me: I think so

- paddles over -

Me: Just hang on to the board, I'll tow you in

Tourist #1: we were just standing in there then the next thing she couldn't swim back in.

Me: it's ok, let's just go

-tows them both in-

Tourist #1: thanks mate, don't know what I'd have done if you weren't there.

Tourist #2: yeah *puff* thanks

Me: don't worry about it, just be more careful next time

Tourist: I'll buy you a drink when you come in.

Me: I'll be counting on that!!

- paddles back to lineup -

Just put it on the shelf next to the perpetual motion machine

have a gander at this piece of kit from RCA, and get this, it charges your battery by catching wi-fi signals from the air, is that something or what?

I, however, will not be holding my breath just yet.

This can only go wrong....

Ever had the feeling like you were sitting on a train heading full pelt into another oncoming train but couldn't do anything about it? yep, this is one of those weeks

There's one born every minute.

Here's an excellent example of the sheer laziness that typifies what society has evolved to.

That being said, serious consideration would be given if mass production were to start on the version below, hmmmmmm......

Life imitating art?

[Verse 4: Buju Banton]
How do you plea? Not Guilty!!!!
Your honor!!!! I think you and your entire organization is corrupt and filthy
Herb must be burn!!!!! Lawd!!!
Dem seh yuh a di herbsman, and mi a di farmer
And anywey mi go marijuana deh pon di corner
Jah know, I seh di good sensimelia
Then rastaman yuh must glow

Buju, buju, buju *shakes head* where did you go wrong? You'll still be my favorite artist though.

This week's Bajanism - Ossie Moore

Pronounciation: \ˈä-sē \ˈmȯr\

Etymology: Barbados

Extract taken from "A to Z of Barbadian Heritage" by G. Addington Forde

...originating from Paynes Bay, Ossie Moore first off, was indeed a real person, born George Ethelbert Oscar Moore born 30th March 1900.
He never married and had no children.He worked as a handy-man for a now deceased Magistrate called Seymor Nurse for a number of years, he died on the 17th of June 1976.

In a nutshell he wasn't very bright and considered a "slow learner" so his teacher would send him on little errands and ting regular..you know like the rum shop..there, obviously he would come in contact with a local folks and hence the opportunity for all kinds of amusing anecdotal situations... there are allusions to him being extremely witty and sometimes bordering on sheer genius...

...he himself insisted that people call him Ossie, or Moore but never the two together and would become quite incensed if teased for prolonged periods.

A lot of jokes attributed to him unfortunately may have been "stretched" or embellished...especially if someone wanted to test their latest joke at a gathering of friends.
"Ossie Moore" as the main character became a given.

Insert classic barbadian Ossie Moore joke here:

Ossie and 2 fellas went to teef ol' man Percy mangoes, but Percy is a man that does move wid he shotgun. So thief #1 gone up de tree but mek too much noise. Percy run out wid he gun!,

"Who's dah?! Yuh would get shoot yuh!"

Thief #1 replied, "Meeeeeoooooww".

Percy gone back inside, "Stupse! Blasted cat...". Thief #2 went and try de same ting. Percy run out again!

Thief #2 replied, "Meeeeeoooow".

Percy curse de "cat" again and gone inside. Ossie say, "Lemme show wunna men how yuh does do it!" Ossie gone up de tree and Percy run out again, aiming de gun!, "Who dat?!"

Ossie holla back, "I'z anudda cat Percy, guh back inside!"

Necessity isn't the mother of invention, laziness is............

Now I'm not usually one to blow my own horn, but, I think I've had a rare moment of brilliance here. I've just started my APC for professional accreditation and given that QS's are excel people by nature, I've created a spreadsheet that will attempt to minimise the hairpulling that is usually inherent with compiling the diary/logbook. (screenshots below)

So far it controls the diary, logbook, CPD, timeline and is fully editable to adjust for current projects via drop down tab (!), so I'll taking the next day or so to bask in the completion glory before my supervisor and/or counsellor blows it all to hell and tells me it's useless.


I'm also available to do weddings, children's parties and options appraisal. That is all.

Hail!

Don't let the B.E.D.Y bugs bite?

True to form, the hotly anticipated BEDY ferry service between the EC territories has been delayed yet again. Their facebook group's wall is littered with comments from anxious patrons just begging for an alternative to current regional air carriers, LIAT (Leave Island at Any Time) and BWIA (Baggage is Waiting In Africa)

The main question on everybody's mind, however, seems to be when will they finally pull their act together and get the show on the road?.

On manic mondays

Dealers keep dealin',
phones keep ringin',
bosses keep yellin',
bitches keep bitchin' ...
Just another manic monday.

lol, all of course said with a japanese accent. Thanks and all credit goes to you スモモちゃん

2010 - Put up or shut up

So I've never been one for new year's resolutions, but, I've made one this year and it's time to put my money where my mouth is.

Oh dear.........

This just in. That which was previously known as the burj Dubai shall henceforth be known as the burj Khalifa, as a tribute to the man in whose pocket it's firmly seated.

The return of the work related posts......

Back to work this week. Expect more construction, finance and APC posts.

Surprisingly enough, it's not as bad as previous post-xmas returns which may have something to do with the fact that I actually quite like my job, but, until they pay me to loaf around sipping banks and traipsing our marvelous coastlines it'll never be perfect.

Can I write this off under my CPD as training?

sweet baby jesus, I-must-own-you

Unnngghhhhhhh, what day is it?

very quick note to say happy new year to everyone, as for the moment my keyboard sounds a bit like a phalanx CIWS going off in my head.